Tradition

Baking supplies for 100 dozen cookies............$150.00

Time it takes to make the cookies................32 hours

The smiles I get when friends and family eat the cookies..........priceless.

I've done it every year for the past 15 years. December not only means two birthdays and Christmas but about 4 days of baking. I started yesterday. I already have sores on my hands from trying to cut pan after pan of fudge. My back between my shoulder blades is killing me. My calves are rock hard. It's going to be a long 4 days.

I would take a guess that the pain in the back and calves aren't just from baking. Yesterday at my strength training class we were tested. Planks, sit ups and push ups. Then we worked out the rest of class. I did a plank for 15 mins. Avg for the class was 3.5mins. I then tried to do sit ups, ha, yeah right. After planking for 15 mins try doing sit ups. Charlie horses in both legs. Only got to 17 in a minute. Had to stop more than I was doing them. Push ups not too bad, got to 45 in a minute. It's obvious that the class has made me stronger. I'm surprised to admit that not only am I stronger but my shin is feeling much better. By this time I figured I would be hobbling around barely able to walk. Instead the pain is like a nagging twinge that shows up once in awhile. While running I feel it but forget about it after a few miles. That is a HUGE improvement. All because of this class. For that reason alone I signed up again for Feb and March. I'll decided after that if I will continue. By then 1/2 ironman training will be starting and it may just be too much to do.

I have a 5 miler on the schedule for today. Boy that's going to hurt. A 9 and 5 miler this weekend. Tuesday is the big day. My 20 miler. That following weekend a 10 miler. After getting through next weekend. Taper starts. Life should then slow down a bit.

Who am I kidding?

I've procrastinated enough this morning. It's almost 7am and I should of already had a batch of those yummy cookies in the oven.

Mental Struggles

It's been a battle of the mind. A struggle that I have never ever faced.

I wonder each day will I get better?
Will I be able to get past this?
Will it get worse?
Why is this happening to me?

I've watched the discovery health channel and I've seen the people that deal with anxiety and panic disorder albeit at a much greater extreme. But I wonder will that be me? If it does become me will my family and my husband stick by me to get me past it? Everyday is a struggle right now. A war going on in my head. Just about every minute of my day. I'm not only physically exhausted from training but mentally exhausted.

This disorder has come from a not so simple UTI infection. I spent weeks in pain and had trouble leaving the house because I was constantly in need of a bathroom. Now that the infection is gone and I am on medication to allow the bladder to heal you would think things would get easier. Nope. I now get extremely anxious when I leave the house and have had a few panic attacks while I'm out and about. What happens when you feel anxious or nervous about something? Most people feel the need to use the bathroom. Exactly what is happening to me. My bladder starts to spasm and I get so tense from waist down that everything aches. Can't move can't walk. I got lightheaded a few times and almost passed out right at the check out line. It has been absolutely awful.

I have cried.
I have cried a lot.

I started shying away from going out when I don't absolutely have to. I see myself hiding in the house all winter. This is not a good thing. I have things to do, places to go, a Goofy Challenge to run. How on earth will I be able to get through the next month?

I went to my regular doctor and cried to him too. He prescribed some medication to take on an as needed basis. I tried it a few days ago before going out to dinner. Made me tired and knocked off about 20% of the anxiety. Yesterday I tried again. 2 pills this time. Was wiped for about 2 hours. Then I headed out to do just two quick errands. I was about 40% better. When I got home it was the first time I felt a bit of hope in a long time.

I still have a long long way to go to get back to my old self. It's going to be a long long winter.