Mental Struggles

It's been a battle of the mind. A struggle that I have never ever faced.

I wonder each day will I get better?
Will I be able to get past this?
Will it get worse?
Why is this happening to me?

I've watched the discovery health channel and I've seen the people that deal with anxiety and panic disorder albeit at a much greater extreme. But I wonder will that be me? If it does become me will my family and my husband stick by me to get me past it? Everyday is a struggle right now. A war going on in my head. Just about every minute of my day. I'm not only physically exhausted from training but mentally exhausted.

This disorder has come from a not so simple UTI infection. I spent weeks in pain and had trouble leaving the house because I was constantly in need of a bathroom. Now that the infection is gone and I am on medication to allow the bladder to heal you would think things would get easier. Nope. I now get extremely anxious when I leave the house and have had a few panic attacks while I'm out and about. What happens when you feel anxious or nervous about something? Most people feel the need to use the bathroom. Exactly what is happening to me. My bladder starts to spasm and I get so tense from waist down that everything aches. Can't move can't walk. I got lightheaded a few times and almost passed out right at the check out line. It has been absolutely awful.

I have cried.
I have cried a lot.

I started shying away from going out when I don't absolutely have to. I see myself hiding in the house all winter. This is not a good thing. I have things to do, places to go, a Goofy Challenge to run. How on earth will I be able to get through the next month?

I went to my regular doctor and cried to him too. He prescribed some medication to take on an as needed basis. I tried it a few days ago before going out to dinner. Made me tired and knocked off about 20% of the anxiety. Yesterday I tried again. 2 pills this time. Was wiped for about 2 hours. Then I headed out to do just two quick errands. I was about 40% better. When I got home it was the first time I felt a bit of hope in a long time.

I still have a long long way to go to get back to my old self. It's going to be a long long winter.