What Do You Think About Gum?

Here it is the eve of Christmas Eve and I'm still standing.

I've held two birthday gatherings for the kid and husband. I have all the Christmas presents bought, wrapped and ready to go under the tree. The cookies are made, the house is relatively clean. All the food is purchased for Christmas Eve dinner. The drinks are ready to be poured. Other than doing a lot of prep work today for dinner tomorrow I'm just about ready to call in a victory.

However there is no victory until about 11 pm Friday night. It's my favorite part of the whole month of December.

You would think it would be when my kids are opening presents Christmas morning. I love that part too but it doesn't make the top of the list. See I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself these past 6 weeks. I take care of everything that happens from Thanksgiving until Christmas. The only thing my husband needs to take care of is gifts for me and actually I picked up my "big gift" myself while I was at the gym one day. I do my best at making sure I do it all and do it well. This year was different. I had to accomplish all this while handling an anxiety disorder. Some days weren't bad, some days horrible. The past few days as I have been going out and getting stuff done it hasn't been too bad even with the ridiculous amount of people out shopping getting their stuff done. I've learned chewing gum like a cow helps. Please do not tell me to spit out my gum. It's actually keeping my body somewhat in check. Weird I know. But the mind has a funny way of working.

I wonder if it's wrong to chew gum at church? I did a test run at church last weekend to see if I would panic. Sure enough I did. I was prepared for it. The feeling of being trapped surrounded by people and have no control on when it would be over. Up down up down movement does me in. My goal was to make it to communion. I made it almost to communion before I bolted. My goal tomorrow night is the same make it to communion. It will be extremely tough. As we have to get there early to get a seat. The church will be packed and hot. I will be overloaded mentally. To the people sitting around me I apologize. I will be the one fidgeting in my seat like a 2 year old and chewing gym like a cow. I will do my best to get through it for my family. If I had a choice I wouldn't go. Does more harm than good really. I know pushing myself is important. But not important enough if I have a dinner to host afterwards. Having a panic attack is exhausting. It's like your body ran a marathon. I don't want to feel like I've been run over by a truck before the appetizers are on the table.

So back to why 11pm Christmas Eve is my most favorite Christmas time. The dinner is done the company gone. The dishes are clean. The presents put under the tree. The stockings are filled. I pour a glass of wine and sit. I sit and stare at the tree and think of all I accomplished in 6 weeks and how I made it through yet another year. This year I added an anxiety disorder to the mix. Making everything 100 times harder. The moment on the couch doesn't last long. Maybe 30 mins if I'm lucky. I'm usually too tired to sit there long. But it's my most favorite time. It's my gift. The feeling of accomplishment, the finish line. Hey, where's my metal?