Where Is My Light?

I sit here in bed having "Mommy Monday" with my youngest and a dog who is happily digging at the sheets.

I should be completely relaxed enjoying the time with them. But unfortunately I'm not, so says the itouch app. You place your finger on the screen and it tells you how you are feeling. The boy is relaxed. I got mixed emotions. Maybe it works as I've gone from smiling to crying and back in a matter of minutes.

My emotions are all over the place. With a drop of a hat I can have an anxiety attack. I can be talking about one thing while my mind is freaking out about something I'm going to have to do the next day, week or month. I am getting worse with the no light at the end of the tunnel feeling.

My husband made a comment about how he has only 3 weeks of running at freaking 4:00 am in the morning. He has a light at the end of the tunnel. All I could do is thinking about how I would give anything to have a 3 week tunnel. If I could set a date for this to be all over. But I can't.

I really don't know what to do. I've done so much research. I've learned a ton. I learned how to help with the attacks whether they are a panic attack or anxiety attack. How I make it totally go away is still up for grabs. I would never have guessed I'd be in this situation. I had no idea what people go through with this disorder before I myself had to deal with it. It's like childbirth. You just can't understand unless you've been there. I do my best to not let it affect my family. But it's starting to. I see it. I feel it. I'm starting to get the guilty feelings too. Just what I need. I think it's time to fill in the rest of the family on how bad it's getting. Acceptance is part of the process. I have this disorder and I have to deal with it. It may be temporary or a lifetime battle. It may get worse before it gets better.

Just the idea of going to the store, or even to pick up the kids is overwhelming at times. To think I have to get on a plane and go on vacation soon scares me to death. I know my thoughts are not rational. I know it's my mind controling my body and how it reacts to the anxiety. But I can't get passed it. I can't find the light.

If you see me burst into tears or start sweating or head to the bathroom for the 20th time in 20 mins. Please understand. I'm trying. I'm tring harder than ever to get passed this. I just wish I could see that light.