It Is What It Is.

I spent most of last night thinking not sleeping. Honestly, I might have gotten about 3 hrs of uninterrupted sleep total. That isn't going to make for a happy girl later tonight.

What was I thinking about you ask? I was thinking about the race last weekend. From what the runners looked like to all the cool technical shirts I saw. What the spectators looked liked. The weather. The time it started. How I felt that day. The smiles I saw. The characters I saw. The pain I saw. How happy my Dad looked and how determined my husband was. I thought about everything non stop. It played over and over in my head. Problem is it was a race that I didn't even get to do.

Last night the Disney 1/2 marathon never crossed my mind. The one I completed. My mind chose instead to relive something I couldn't do, the marathon the following day. I'm not one for writing race reports and I don't plan to for this race. As most of the people who care about what happened last weekend already know the story.

But for those who don't know....long story short I ran the 1/2 marathon while starting to get some kind of stomach virus that lasted 3 days. I had to make the painful decision not to run the marathon. At the moment I made the decision I wasn't sure it was the right one. As the day went on I knew it was. I spent the day wishing I would throw up. I had a baggie in my pocket ready for the moment that it would happen and my stomach would feel better. By 7am I was in a lot of pain. But nothing would stop me from seeing my husband and father in this challenge. I dragged my ass to the park by bus and monorail. I stood and shook while waiting for them to run by. I cried, I smiled, I didn't talk. I had to take it minute by minute. In 5 hours I saw them 3 times in the race. I got to see them finish. I got to see the joy and pain in their faces. I got to be the first to hug my husband and tell him way to go. In that moment nothing mattered other than being there. Right where I should be. I was disappointed my kids weren't there. I was thinking they would of been. I had given them permission to sleep in thinking I would see them at the finish line. Mixed communication prevented that from happening. I'm sorry they missed that moment. They should of been there to hug and give the high 5's.

So I came home with the Donald medal. I am missing the Mickey and Goofy. I have tried not to dwell on it. But obviously I guess I am since I spent all night thinking about it. I was mad that I was giving it so much thought. I kept telling myself I made the right decision and there was nothing I could of done differently, but it didn't stop me from reliving that day. From a spectators view. Not the view I wanted.

You hear stories of runners who didn't have the race they wanted. Have a DNF or in my case a DNS. Everyone seems to have one of those at some point in their athletic journey. I guess I now have mine. I realized last night I have been training and racing now for almost 7 years. In that amount of time I have done too many races to count. I've done everything from a 5k to a 1/2 ironman. I guess one DNS is not the end of the world.

I have decided I will complete the Goofy Challenge at some point. I'm not sure if I will try next year or the year after. A lot needs to change for me this year. I need to concentrate on getting healthy. On getting happy. On getting back to being me.

I declare this year as the "Year of being Me"

So far this year I have gotten sick, missed a huge race and now I have athlete's feet.

So far this year I got to go to Disney World with my family, I got to run a 1/2 marathon, I lost 5 pounds.

Guess it depends on how you look at your life. You can choose to constantly look at the negatives or you can look at the positives and celebrate each victory large or small. I am a self proclaimed pessimist. Looking at the positives all the time is very difficult for me. I plan on working on that. There is just too much to dwell on. Almost all of which I can't change. It is what it is. Choose to accept it and move on to happier things.

Tonight I will tell my mind just that. I may relive the race again in my head. This time it will be the good parts. Like the fact that I wouldn't of seen my father or my husband finish had I been racing that day. I would of been at mile 5 in the medical tent.

Happy thoughts, people. Happy thoughts.