Here is it Tuesday again. On the schedule....a ten miler. Since it's fall I will not be running out the door any time soon. The weather for today should be nice but not warm enough for me until about 11.
After 23 days of workouts I had a rest day on Thursday of last week. I needed it. During Wednesday strength training class I was a mess. I had no energy, no power, no nothing. With Tuesday being my long run day it's going to make Wednesday's class pretty difficult. As the mileage goes up I may need to figure out another plan. But honestly I don't have really any other day that will work out better. I need to be rested and ready for these long runs. So for now I will keep it as is and tweak it as I go.
I spent the weekend in PA visiting my Mom and Grandfather. I haven't been there in over a year. This trip was long overdue. It's always hard to go. Being an only child I feel a responsibility to them. But this year I came back home with a heavy heart and a huge weight on my shoulders. My Grandfather is 94. Last year I would say that he was doing well for 93. Yes he has many issues but pretty good for 93. There was a dramatic change in him this year. I see him dying. I see what was once my most cherished grandfather turning into a dying old man. A man that barely recognizes me and doesn't have the energy to even talk to me very long. He holds a very special place in my heart and I have wonderful memories of him when I was a kid. The man I saw this time was not my grandfather. He is gone. Now we wait for the dying man in the chair to say goodbye. I would be surprised if he lasts another year. Most likely it will have been the last time I got to spend with him.
Then there is my mother, who at 58 has had ailments all her life. Problem after problem. Too many surgeries to count. Always sick, always recovering, always in pain. She is 58. My father is racing at age 60. My mother is 58 and falling apart. Each year I listen to her tell me how bad it is, or how good it is yet still needing a surgery or PT or injections or who knows. Every year I see her and think yes she is going through all that but it's not as bad as she makes out. She seems to be doing just fine when I see her. I always felt that she was over exaggerating. Not this time. I watched her closely. I listened to her. I watched when she thought I wasn't. She is in horrible pain. Hunched over like an 80 year old. Not being to get up the stairs or down without going the speed of a snail one stair at a time. Once she sits it's a giant effort to get back up. Right now she needs both hips replaced and a shoulder repaired and knees fixed. She is 58! What the hell? Why has she had to deal with all these things? With fused bones in her back and a neck that has been repaired and a tumor removed from inside her head. Why does this woman have to deal with all this? It scared me to no end. What is ahead for her if she feels like this now? Will I be taking care of her by the time she is 65? Remember I am an only child on my mothers side. She too is an only child trying her best to take care of herself and her dying 94 year old father. While I'm half way across the country raising my family. Guilt doesn't even come close to the burden I feel right now. My mother is stubborn. A perfectionist. Knows all and is never wrong. It makes her come across as being very very strong. Sometimes overbearing and always critical of things and others. She has many many friends. But she doesn't treat her friends the same way as she treats her family. She expects nothing less than the best from them. She is a difficult woman to handle. Over the years we have had our ups and downs. Within the past 10 years we have finally figured out what works for us. It's probably not your typical mother daughter relationship but it works well. I dread the day that I have to take over. That I will have to tell her that she is no longer in charge. I am. The day that I insist that she move near me so that I can take care of her. I can't even get her to visit once in awhile let alone move here. I dread that day. She will become even more difficult as she ages. Just like her father. It's not going to be pretty. But the fact that I'm really giving this much thought to begin with is terrifying. She should not have to feel like this at her age. There are more surgeries in her near future. By next year she will have a few more new body parts and I can only hope and pray that it will give her the life she deserves. She has paid her dues. Give her a break for awhile.
I returned home Sunday night crying in the car. I cried that night. I cried the next day. I am crying now. I'm here, my Grandfather and Mom are there. It's a horrible feeling. I feel helpless, lost and unreliable. I wish I could be there everyday just leading a hand. I have the time to give yet I can't be there. It's been a very hard week for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment