My Race

With Christmas behind me I was hoping for improvement with the anxiety.

Nothing has changed.

It still lingers deep within. It chooses to rear it's ugly head in the most inconvenient times. Like the middle of the grocery isle. When I'm trying to find the cereal I so badly need yet I become paralyzed with pain in my back and hips as my bladder spasms out of control. If I dare move or release some of the tension down below I may erupt with a full on waterfall down isle 10. Just taking a step while tensing up every muscle in the lower body is difficult. Within minutes everything aches. It continues to ache for hours later even after the anxiety is decreased. Last time I went to the grocery store I did much better. Why then today was it as bad as it was in the beginning? Why?

I leave in a week for Disney. Let me say that again. I leave in a week for Disney. I ran 4 miles yesterday and struggled. My breathing labored, my knees sore, my shin acting up, my back aching. This stress has most definitely affected my running. I'm heavier and slower. Stress and more stress. But I'll tell you what I will be on that plane. I will go to Disney. I may have a full on panic attack and I may truly have that waterfall experience happen. But I will not let the family, especially my children down. All I care about right now is getting there. I don't care about the race or what I do or not do when I'm there. If I get to all the parks or none. I don't care. Just get me from Illinois to Florida and I'll declare a victory. That will be my race.

What Do You Think About Gum?

Here it is the eve of Christmas Eve and I'm still standing.

I've held two birthday gatherings for the kid and husband. I have all the Christmas presents bought, wrapped and ready to go under the tree. The cookies are made, the house is relatively clean. All the food is purchased for Christmas Eve dinner. The drinks are ready to be poured. Other than doing a lot of prep work today for dinner tomorrow I'm just about ready to call in a victory.

However there is no victory until about 11 pm Friday night. It's my favorite part of the whole month of December.

You would think it would be when my kids are opening presents Christmas morning. I love that part too but it doesn't make the top of the list. See I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself these past 6 weeks. I take care of everything that happens from Thanksgiving until Christmas. The only thing my husband needs to take care of is gifts for me and actually I picked up my "big gift" myself while I was at the gym one day. I do my best at making sure I do it all and do it well. This year was different. I had to accomplish all this while handling an anxiety disorder. Some days weren't bad, some days horrible. The past few days as I have been going out and getting stuff done it hasn't been too bad even with the ridiculous amount of people out shopping getting their stuff done. I've learned chewing gum like a cow helps. Please do not tell me to spit out my gum. It's actually keeping my body somewhat in check. Weird I know. But the mind has a funny way of working.

I wonder if it's wrong to chew gum at church? I did a test run at church last weekend to see if I would panic. Sure enough I did. I was prepared for it. The feeling of being trapped surrounded by people and have no control on when it would be over. Up down up down movement does me in. My goal was to make it to communion. I made it almost to communion before I bolted. My goal tomorrow night is the same make it to communion. It will be extremely tough. As we have to get there early to get a seat. The church will be packed and hot. I will be overloaded mentally. To the people sitting around me I apologize. I will be the one fidgeting in my seat like a 2 year old and chewing gym like a cow. I will do my best to get through it for my family. If I had a choice I wouldn't go. Does more harm than good really. I know pushing myself is important. But not important enough if I have a dinner to host afterwards. Having a panic attack is exhausting. It's like your body ran a marathon. I don't want to feel like I've been run over by a truck before the appetizers are on the table.

So back to why 11pm Christmas Eve is my most favorite Christmas time. The dinner is done the company gone. The dishes are clean. The presents put under the tree. The stockings are filled. I pour a glass of wine and sit. I sit and stare at the tree and think of all I accomplished in 6 weeks and how I made it through yet another year. This year I added an anxiety disorder to the mix. Making everything 100 times harder. The moment on the couch doesn't last long. Maybe 30 mins if I'm lucky. I'm usually too tired to sit there long. But it's my most favorite time. It's my gift. The feeling of accomplishment, the finish line. Hey, where's my metal?

Where Is My Light?

I sit here in bed having "Mommy Monday" with my youngest and a dog who is happily digging at the sheets.

I should be completely relaxed enjoying the time with them. But unfortunately I'm not, so says the itouch app. You place your finger on the screen and it tells you how you are feeling. The boy is relaxed. I got mixed emotions. Maybe it works as I've gone from smiling to crying and back in a matter of minutes.

My emotions are all over the place. With a drop of a hat I can have an anxiety attack. I can be talking about one thing while my mind is freaking out about something I'm going to have to do the next day, week or month. I am getting worse with the no light at the end of the tunnel feeling.

My husband made a comment about how he has only 3 weeks of running at freaking 4:00 am in the morning. He has a light at the end of the tunnel. All I could do is thinking about how I would give anything to have a 3 week tunnel. If I could set a date for this to be all over. But I can't.

I really don't know what to do. I've done so much research. I've learned a ton. I learned how to help with the attacks whether they are a panic attack or anxiety attack. How I make it totally go away is still up for grabs. I would never have guessed I'd be in this situation. I had no idea what people go through with this disorder before I myself had to deal with it. It's like childbirth. You just can't understand unless you've been there. I do my best to not let it affect my family. But it's starting to. I see it. I feel it. I'm starting to get the guilty feelings too. Just what I need. I think it's time to fill in the rest of the family on how bad it's getting. Acceptance is part of the process. I have this disorder and I have to deal with it. It may be temporary or a lifetime battle. It may get worse before it gets better.

Just the idea of going to the store, or even to pick up the kids is overwhelming at times. To think I have to get on a plane and go on vacation soon scares me to death. I know my thoughts are not rational. I know it's my mind controling my body and how it reacts to the anxiety. But I can't get passed it. I can't find the light.

If you see me burst into tears or start sweating or head to the bathroom for the 20th time in 20 mins. Please understand. I'm trying. I'm tring harder than ever to get passed this. I just wish I could see that light.

Tradition

Baking supplies for 100 dozen cookies............$150.00

Time it takes to make the cookies................32 hours

The smiles I get when friends and family eat the cookies..........priceless.

I've done it every year for the past 15 years. December not only means two birthdays and Christmas but about 4 days of baking. I started yesterday. I already have sores on my hands from trying to cut pan after pan of fudge. My back between my shoulder blades is killing me. My calves are rock hard. It's going to be a long 4 days.

I would take a guess that the pain in the back and calves aren't just from baking. Yesterday at my strength training class we were tested. Planks, sit ups and push ups. Then we worked out the rest of class. I did a plank for 15 mins. Avg for the class was 3.5mins. I then tried to do sit ups, ha, yeah right. After planking for 15 mins try doing sit ups. Charlie horses in both legs. Only got to 17 in a minute. Had to stop more than I was doing them. Push ups not too bad, got to 45 in a minute. It's obvious that the class has made me stronger. I'm surprised to admit that not only am I stronger but my shin is feeling much better. By this time I figured I would be hobbling around barely able to walk. Instead the pain is like a nagging twinge that shows up once in awhile. While running I feel it but forget about it after a few miles. That is a HUGE improvement. All because of this class. For that reason alone I signed up again for Feb and March. I'll decided after that if I will continue. By then 1/2 ironman training will be starting and it may just be too much to do.

I have a 5 miler on the schedule for today. Boy that's going to hurt. A 9 and 5 miler this weekend. Tuesday is the big day. My 20 miler. That following weekend a 10 miler. After getting through next weekend. Taper starts. Life should then slow down a bit.

Who am I kidding?

I've procrastinated enough this morning. It's almost 7am and I should of already had a batch of those yummy cookies in the oven.

Mental Struggles

It's been a battle of the mind. A struggle that I have never ever faced.

I wonder each day will I get better?
Will I be able to get past this?
Will it get worse?
Why is this happening to me?

I've watched the discovery health channel and I've seen the people that deal with anxiety and panic disorder albeit at a much greater extreme. But I wonder will that be me? If it does become me will my family and my husband stick by me to get me past it? Everyday is a struggle right now. A war going on in my head. Just about every minute of my day. I'm not only physically exhausted from training but mentally exhausted.

This disorder has come from a not so simple UTI infection. I spent weeks in pain and had trouble leaving the house because I was constantly in need of a bathroom. Now that the infection is gone and I am on medication to allow the bladder to heal you would think things would get easier. Nope. I now get extremely anxious when I leave the house and have had a few panic attacks while I'm out and about. What happens when you feel anxious or nervous about something? Most people feel the need to use the bathroom. Exactly what is happening to me. My bladder starts to spasm and I get so tense from waist down that everything aches. Can't move can't walk. I got lightheaded a few times and almost passed out right at the check out line. It has been absolutely awful.

I have cried.
I have cried a lot.

I started shying away from going out when I don't absolutely have to. I see myself hiding in the house all winter. This is not a good thing. I have things to do, places to go, a Goofy Challenge to run. How on earth will I be able to get through the next month?

I went to my regular doctor and cried to him too. He prescribed some medication to take on an as needed basis. I tried it a few days ago before going out to dinner. Made me tired and knocked off about 20% of the anxiety. Yesterday I tried again. 2 pills this time. Was wiped for about 2 hours. Then I headed out to do just two quick errands. I was about 40% better. When I got home it was the first time I felt a bit of hope in a long time.

I still have a long long way to go to get back to my old self. It's going to be a long long winter.