His World

My oldest comes home tomorrow.

He has been gone a week.  I miss him.

He's busy doing good deeds and having fun as I sit here and think about him.

Earlier today I decided things have been more peaceful this week.  

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have him here, but the quiet is nice.

He's not a loud kid, nor is he home much when he is home.

But get him near his brother and bicker, bicker, bicker.

And the coming and going.....constantly.  God forbid he sit and chat with his mother.

I always hope after the mission trip he will all of a sudden enjoy my company.

Didn't happen last year so I don't expect it to this year.

He only has 1 month until school starts.  Not much time until he's a senior.  

A senior.  Wow.

Where has the time gone?

There was a day way back when.....when he wouldn't leave my side.

I was the best thing in his world.

I bet deep down inside he still thinks I am.

Ride

For me this blog has always been about my journey through my many races I have done.  The ups and downs of training, racing and daily life.

I think it's time for a change.

I quit training and racing about a month ago.  I've been doing it for 10 years.  I've completed all the distances I wanted with the exception of an Ironman.  It was just not satisfying anymore.  Added more stress to my life, more anxiety, more pressure and more panic.  That is not how I want to live.

Fortunately my blog title has little to do with triathlons.  It has to do with trying hard no matter what your doing or going through.  I try hard every damn day.

So with that being said our family has a huge 2015 ahead of us.

Starting with our remaining 2014 and onward our list includes:

My youngest learns how to drive
My oldest turns 18
My youngest will be confirmed
My oldest will graduate High School
My youngest will turn 16
My oldest will go off to college

I will be married 20 years next year
My husband turns 50 next year
Somewhere in there my parents will move to Hilton Head

My gut tells me we will also have 1 or two more big things to celebrate, but those remain unknown for now.

All these things are huge.  They will all have celebrations and I'm sure tears will be shed.

2015 will be scary, exciting and a roller coaster for me I'm sure.

I'll use this space for all those feelings.

I will try hard with every moment to embrace it, enjoy it and let the tears flow when I need to.

I'm ready for the ride.

Changes

I'm in limbo.  I'm in pain.  I'm sad.  I'm overwhelmed.  

Changes are coming at me in all different directions.  When I think I find the new normal, something else is thrown at me.  I'm trying to keep up, but I feel like I'm falling behind.  Regressing.  Due to not only me but others who are involved in my life.  

I've been making changes to ease some of the anxiety I endure.  Yet, I feel like it's going to get worse before it gets better.  Daily life has changed for me in many ways.  Some good, some not so good.  Some in my control, most of it not.  

I sense I will be a bit withdrawn for awhile.  I need to be.  Otherwise I may say or do something that isn't going to go over very well.  I want to be selfish.  I want to figure my own crap out.  I don't need more thrown at me.  But alas, I don't have a choice.  More is being thrown, and I have to start juggling.

Good thing I know how to juggle.  

Bump in the Road

I have been training for races for the past 10 years.  It hasn't been constant.  But I think I'm safe in saying I have been on a training schedule at least twice a year for the past 10 years.  Whether it was for a 1/2 marathon or a 1/2 Ironman I'd follow the words on the paper.

I don't always choose the same training plan.  Different coaches have posted training plans online that I have tried.  I have chosen the free basic plans and I have paid for training plans with slight more detail to them.  What I haven't done is find myself a coach.

They are not cheap.  And I feel like I'm not worthy enough to have a paid coach.  Like shame on me for spending money on myself every month for something that I have done on my own in the past.  But I'm struggling through this latest training segment.  I see no light.  I don't look forward to anything but the rest days and the moment I finish the workouts each day.  It's hard.  It's high volume.  I don't remember it being this hard last time.  I know I'm older but come on.

This week in particular, I'm having a very hard time.  My lack of sleep is affecting my daily recovery.  So my body is always fatigued instead of stronger each day.  I'm fighting what I thought was a cold but I'm starting to think it's just another warning sign to slow down.  Yesterday I shortened my run and my swim.  Today I didn't make it on the treadmill until 1:45 which is a no no for me and stopped 5 times in the first and only mile.

Today I quit.  Today I gave up.  Today I lost the mental battle.  Today I feel weak, slow, lazy.  Today I feel like if someone knew I backed off yesterday and quit today they would look at me with pity.  Today I question why am I doing this again.  I've already proven that I can cross that line.  Not once but twice.

I know why I'm doing it.  Because I want to cross that full ironman finish line so badly and I know I have to first cross another line, stay in shape and continue training to the next level.  That's why I'm where I'm at now.  Week 10 of training.

So I sit here trying to decide what to do next.  Do I just blow it off, tell myself that tomorrow's long ride will get me back in check?  Do I start looking for a new training plan that is a bit easier? Do I take the next few days off totally and see what happens at my race on Sunday?  Do I back way off the next 10 days and see if maybe I don't want this as bad as I thought?

Committing to a 1/2 Ironman is no joke.  It's rough, tough and something almost no one does.  I find that most people who aren't athletes or know of an athlete, which is most people, have no idea what a 1/2 Ironman is.  When I tell them, their eyes widen.  Mouth drops and they look utterly confused.  Then once they understand what the race is, I get that look.  It's the look I want.  It's that look that makes me feel good.  It's that look that makes it all worth it.  The wow factor.  It is what defines me.  "She's the girl who can swim bike and run 70.3 miles."

That makes me smile.  But do I always have to be that girl?  It's what people know about me.  Other than that, I'm a Mom and Wife.  I don't work outside the home so triathlon is who I am.  Maybe it's time to find a new focus.  Maybe I'm just having a bad day.  Bad week?

I think it's time to do a little digging.  It's time for a revised training plan.  It's time to back off just a little bit.  Reevaluate my goals.  I have to be careful though because I know if I let this bad feeling take over my Ironman dream may be gone.

You see when I see an Ironman my eyes widen, my mouth drops and I'm in awe.  I want to be them.  They have the "wow factor"

The question is what is the best way to get there?  One mile at a time I guess.  And today was literally one mile.

All of It

Ever have one of those days that you feel very under appreciated?

That no one gets the hard work you do?

There are days like today, I went way beyond what a normal person would do in a day.

I have the blisters on my hands and my feet, from a hard days work, after two hard workouts.

I have vowed to do everything possible to stay on track with the care of the house, inside and out.

I have vowed to train well for this 1/2 ironman.

All I want is acknowledgement.  Not a "looks nice".  How long did it take you?

How about a......Wow that looks fantastic, and you did all the yard work too?  That must of been brutal after your workouts.   You know how much I appreciate you doing all this stuff?  Especially when your working so hard towards your own personal goals.  Thank you.

I think my 14 year old was more impressed with me than my husband.  He marveled at the deck.  Said it looks brand new.  He asked what else I did.  I told him and he said "Good job, Mom!"  That's a lot for one day.  You deserve to sit on the couch and do nothing.  Why thank you Jeffrey.

I take pride in the fact that most women I know don't do half of what I do.  I see all the husbands outside getting stuff done when they can fit it in.  I'm able to give that free time luxury to my husband.  It's only fair since I'm the one home all day.

But I'm certainly not sitting at home eating Bon bons all day.  I'm working my ass off making this house one of the nicest ones on the block.  Inside and out.

I take my household manger duties seriously.  Like a job.   Since I don't get paid for said job.  Words of excitement, astonishment, awe, and sheer impressiveness are required.  Especially during my 18 weeks of  ironman training.

I've spoiled the man.  This is normal for him.  He knows I'll take care of it all.  The same can be said for my kids.  I'll take care of it all.

Soon we leave for vacation.  I've been talking about how important it is for me to get my workouts in.  I will not fall behind.  It is very important to me.  I ask questions on where to swim where to bike.  It's not the most triathlete friendly place, I guess.  I still don't know where this will all take place, but I do know I will be placing myself first.  I  will figure it out, get it done and take care of it all.

Crossing It Off

It's one of those days.  The kind you would like to redo.

I woke up thinking.....I just can't.  Not today.  Please, I just want the mental and physical break.  Not today.

Then I looked at the clock.  What time would I have to leave to have enough time to get to the gym, swim 1250m and then change get on the spin bike early before class to get the 25 miles in.  That time was 7:30.  It was 6:15am.

I was out the door at 7:30.  Complaining, whining and swearing.  Pulled into the gym parking lot still complaining, whining and swearing.  Once inside I realized I forgot the water bottle in the car.  Damn.  I'll just buy an overpriced one after I swim.  

 Sitting at the edge of the lap pool I realize my swimsuit is on inside out.  Not really noticeable but still.  Really??  I jump in and crap, I left my Fitbit on my wrist.  Under it went.  Well I hope since it's shower proof it's also dunk proof.  

Today's swim 300 warm up, 16x50 w. 10 sec rest. and then a 150 cool down.  This seems like it is easy.  But really it's the type of swim if you push yourself, your swimming with lactic acid during a good portion of it.  I do see slight improvements in my speed.  A sec or two here and there.  Improvement is good, though I'm still considered a very slow triathlete swimmer.

After swimming I head to the locker room to change.  Grab my shoes.  Wait what?  Why did I bring my running shoes?  I'm biking not running.  Seriously what is wrong with me today?  Buy my expensive gym water and head to spin.  I'm 20 minutes early to get in 5 miles before class starts.  It's freezing and I'm wet and I'm still complaining, whining and swearing.  

I hate the instructor for Wed's class.  Ok, hate is a strong word.  I dislike her personality and the way she teaches class.  But I need to get the miles in.  So I go.  Best news of the day. Next wed is her last class.  YES!  Please give us back a better one.

You know when they say that once you start exercising you will feel better and be glad you did?  Doesn't always happen.  Today was a prime example. Other than being able to cross off my workouts on my training plan, nothing else felt very good about it.  

It's my recovery week.  I find that by the time you get to a recovery week you're toast.  Mental and physical capabilities are harder this week than others.  Your body screaming to slow down.  Take some time off.  I fight through it just like I fight though my daily anxiety. Not gonna lie today was tough.

Recovery week and I've done 6 workouts in 3 days.  It should now get a bit easier for the rest of the week.  A long run, long ride and a short run for the next three days.  

I've already run a bunch of errands for the day and there are no activities to attend or be a part of today so I'm done.  Phoning it in the rest of the day.  If you need me I'll be on the couch eating.

   

Week 7

Week 7~

 I'm tired.

 I'm not sleeping.

I want to eat all day.

Even going to the store seems like too much work.

I'm emotional.

On a 45 mile ride, I think there's no way to do another 70.3 IM let alone a full one.



Week7~

I haven't missed one workout so far.

I am injury free.

I can do in a day what some people do in a week

I'm dropping a few pounds.  Hope to drop a few more.

Soreness isn't slowing me down.



Based on the above...I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I Have Changed

I've been contemplating whether or not to go back to blogging.  It's not like I have a big fan base or even a fan but sometimes I think it helps when the going gets tough.

It's been over two years since my last post.  I feel like I'm at confession.  So not my thing.

So much has happened in those two years.  For now though, I'll concentrate on myself.  For the last few years I have had a new battle to fight.  It's name is anxiety.  It can be a debilitating disease that will take over your whole life if you let it.  I admit I was close to letting it.  Not because I wanted to, but because no matter how hard I fought I couldn't seem to win.  I thought for awhile that I was going to be one of those agoraphobic women that lived a horrible life.

I have tried very hard, with everything in me to win this battle.  It's been over three years and I'm still trying.  What I have come to realize and accept is that I will always be trying.  I won't ever be without the anxiety.  There will always be certain things that will set it off.  But I've come a very very long way.  From barely leaving the house. To back on track with 1/2 Ironman training.  I have more good days than bad now which is huge!  Sometimes though I think those that know I struggle forget I have anxiety because I hide it so well.  This in turn makes things harder for me.  I don't want to come across as still a mess, but sometimes, yup I'm a mess.  Could be a mess that makes absolutely no sense.  But true anxiety and panic attacks don't make sense unless you are truly in a flight or fight scenario.  It's a mental battle every. single. day.

Nowadays, I'm an athlete with an anxiety disorder.  Training for my third 70.3 IM.

Blogging again about training I hope will keep me on track and motivated.

Ironman 70.3 Steelhead
August 10th 2014

Joy?

Aahhh yes, the joy of getting back into 1/2 Ironman training.

Let me share with you a few of those joys.

Week one soreness.  Which really continues for the next two weeks.

Insomnia.  I'm one of the lucky ones that endures exercised induced insomnia.  Doesn't matter if I work out at 7 am or 7 pm.  Guaranteed I'll toss and turn all night long.

Trying to figure out when to fit in those two hours a day workouts, which soon become 3 hours a day.

Waiting for a lane at the pool.  One of my biggest pet peeves.

Trying to decide when to take the bike off the trainer.  Really it's more like when to take the trainer tire off.  It's quite the project to do so and there's no way I'm riding outside when it's 40.  This indecisive weather is not helping.  75 one day 45 the next.

In a nut shell I sit waiting for a lane at the pool, sore, tired and wondering if soon I'll take the bike on the road or just ride in the basement watching LIVE with Kelly.

Why do I do this again?

Forever and a day....

I know it's been way too long. Almost long enough that this blog disappeared.

I needed the break. Mentally, physically I soooo needed the break.

Then all hell broke loose.

It was not a good Christmas nor New years nor really any holiday since Halloween.



But it's a new year right? Ya I know.....Almost 4 months ago. I'm just now catching up. Catching up 15 pounds heavier and not in athletic shape.

So I declare April 2nd, notice I didn't pick April 1st, jokes on you, to be the first day of 20 weeks of 1/2 Ironman Training. Yup one more time. This time in Steelhead, MI. I pray for solid training, no stress fractures, good times training with my Dad and a positive attitude, and the decision after 20 weeks to decide whether or not I will complete a full Ironman. Not getting any younger.....times a tickin.

Regrouping

So it's been awhile.  Too long.  I guess I just curled up and decided I was no longer an athlete.  With a diagnosis of a stress fracture and severe shin splints I couldn't to anything without pain.  Not even walk the dog.

I'm now in PT and will be for another two weeks.  Then I'm on my own.  I know the routine.  I can do it in my sleep.  I can not run for another month.  By then the fracture should be healed.  I then have to deal with the shin splints.  Last time I had them it took a year to heal.  A YEAR!  Makes me want to just give up and call it a day, month, year, lifetime.

But then there's the athlete in me.  I may be out of shape now, at least for me, but in the back of my mind I see me crossing another 70.3 race. Yup that's the goal for next year.  Looks as though my training buddy (aka my Dad) will be following another schedule next year.  He's looking to get his second 70.3 medal in April.  I'm looking to get my third in June.  I need more time.  Time to regroup.  Time to enjoy what I'm training for.  I need time to remember that yes I can. 

Yes I will.................June 24th 2012.

What it's all about

Since I'm sort of off the radar right now while I heal, I came across this today from TriFuel

Fact: you will not become efficient at swimming, biking or running over night. Sorry to burst your bubble. This is NOT an easy sport.


Check your ego at the door because chances are someone fifty pounds heavier than you will lap you in the pool. Not to mention she will be ten or fifteen years older than you.

You will be passed on the bike many times and you will never be the fastest runner in your town.

You will have early morning workouts. Really early.

You will plan your weekends around your swim, bike and run.

You are up while others are sleeping.

You are training while others are sitting.

You will discover others who also follow this blood, sweat and tears cult.

You will eventually get a flat tire... and have to change it all by yourself.

No matter what you hear, triathlon is NOT an inexpensive sport.

Warning, it is extremely addictive, hence the impulse spending on wetsuits, bikes, running shoes, aero bars, aero helmets, speed suits, power meters, GPS heart-rate monitors and many other ‘gotta have items.’

You will hate swimming more times than you like it for the first year.

You will suffer through road trips with whiny fellow triathletes.

You will suffer set backs.

You may experience an injury.

You will develop a love/hate relationship with a foam roller and ice baths.

You will at some point realize you need a coach.

You will hate swimming for the first year.

You will wear tight clothing.

You will not like how this tight clothing fits or looks.

Your age will take on a whole new meaning.

You will discover a whole new meaning for tan lines.

Food will become an extremely important part of your life.

You will learn new words such as GU, cadence and brick.

You will hate swimming for the first year.

You will spend more time on your bike than on your couch.

You may lose a friend or two because you spend too much time swimming, biking and running, and they could careless about your heart rate training, foam rolling pain or 20 mile bike ride.

You will learn patience.

You will be humbled.

You will start to realize you are paying money to put yourself through pain and suffering, but for some odd reason, you LOVE it.

This sport called Triathlon, becomes a part of you. You start to plan your entire year around sprint, international, half-iron or full-iron distance races. Your vacations become racing, and you start to realize that this sport called triathlon could become a life-long adventure.

Many people settle for things in life. They settle for a crappy job, marriage, friends, food, place to live and overall fitness and health.

Those who desire more or those who want more out of life than a drive-thru window and boring sitcom, will choose triathlon or an activity that makes them happy. An activity that will change their life. Triathlon will change your outlook on life, your career, your marriage, your goals, your friends and many other things you thought you had figured out. It’s not just crossing a finish line or a boring finisher medal. It’s the countless hours that got you to that point. A moment in time that you will NEVER forget. A moment that you will discuss with your family and friends for hours if not days after the event. These discussions will most likely be about how you could have done better. At what point could you have swam faster, biked harder or ran more efficient? This is what will go through your head everyday until you get the opportunity to suffer again.

So you wanna be a Triathlete? Enjoy the ride and train hard!

Nick Clark, Clark Endurance Training

For now my triathlete training is done.  I head back to the gym on Monday with a plan.  Swimming, biking, elliptical, weights, physical therapy and core exercises.  Not as exciting as training for a 1/2 iron man, but not as tiring either!

August

August brings me happiness.

The kids go back to school.  Is that wrong?  To feel excited that they have to go back?  Over all summer went by really fast.  But the last two weeks or so I can tell the kids are ready.  Ready for something different.  They are getting bored.  There's only so much xbox to be played.  This week my oldest starts High School.  Hope he likes it more than I did!  Next week my other son starts 7th grade.  No longer the shortest in the school.  I'm sure there's got to be a few 6th graders that will be shorter!

August means that I get to go back to being Joelle during the hours of 7-2:45 Monday-Friday.  It means that I can get back on track.  Back to a schedule at the gym.  Back to buying less junk in the house.  Back to figuring out what the heck to do with that time.

I'm still healing.  I fear it's going to be awhile.  Just last night my leg was swollen.  All I did was some shopping and some extra cooking.  I was on my feet most of the day.  Just that irritated the leg.  I go back to the Dr's. on Wed.  Should be an interesting conversation.  I'm so done with being injured. 

So I have no training plans or goals right now.  This makes it hard for me to exercise on a regular basis.  Plus I can't run.  Swimming hurts.  One can only sit on a saddle for so long.  I am going to give the elliptical a try tomorrow.  See if that bothers the leg.  I feel myself getting heavier every day.  Losing fitness.  I feel like a blob.  I hope I don't look like one.

Well kids, it's been fun but get your butts back to school soon please.  Joelle is waiting. 

OK

Let me start with the bad news.......like I haven't had enough since I turned 40.

My race year is over.  I will not be doing the Chicago Tri, Chicago 1/2 marathon or the Chicago Marathon.

It was a given that the Marathon was out with a stress fracture and all.  I was hoping to hobble through the 1/2 and seeing that the Tri only had a 6 mile run I thought I would be able to do it even with the bad pain.

Then I lost my grandfather.

Everything changed. 

Preferably you are physically ready to race when you hit the start line.  For me I seem to be more injured than not.  But it's never stopped me.  What's more important is that you are mentally ready to train and race.  I am no where near mentally ready to think about training again.  The loss of my Grandfather took that focus right out of me.  Right now I just feel like if I get through the day and do what I need to get done, without crying for the umpteenth time then I'm doing good.  Each day is getting better.  I just need more time. 

I plan on hitting the gym on Monday to start up again.  I haven't worked out since July 17th.  I have gained 8 pounds.  Yup 8.  The clothes are getting tight.  I eat like I am training.  Last week I went to the fair and had Ice cream and funnel cake for dinner.  I've done a lot of emotional eating lately.  Whether it be because my leg throbs or my heart throbs I run to the carbs. 

So the good news?  I'm OK.  I'm OK with not racing anymore this year.  I'm OK with gaining some weight, just as long as I put an end to it soon.  I'm OK with grieving and losing it here and there.  I'm OK with waiting for this leg to heal correctly so that I can bang out some miles by late Oct.  I'm OK with just swimming and biking for awhile.  I'm OK knowing that my grandfather lived a long life.  Longer than most.  He was well taken care of and he just closed his eyes and died.  Heart just stopped.  It could of been much much worse. 

I'm going to be okay. 

Wish I Knew

I'm trying to keep things normal for the kids.

I find myself not sleeping the past few nights.

I go to bed crying. I wake up crying.

I knew this was coming. I just didn't expect it to be now. No one did.

Thursday I got to sit and talk with my grandfather. Friday morning after breakfast he was gone. Had I known I would of never left his side.

I have been very fortunate not to have had many deaths in my family. This is still new to me. The sadness, sorrow and feeling of great loss.

My grandfather and I had a very special bond. I was his best buddy. I was his only grandchild.

Tomorrow is the burial. It will be a first for my kids. How can you keep it normal? You can't. It will be one of the hardest days of my life.

Thank you

Thank you for being the first one to teach me how to steer a car at the ripe old age of 8.

Thank you for teaching me how to fish.

Thank you for putting the worm on the hook and taking the fish off.

Thank you for pointing out all the "scooters" (groundhogs) as they ran across the street.

Thank you for stopping and watching the mama bear cross the road with her babies.

Thank you for telling me to step right behind you as we tromped through the woods. I never did see a snake in all those years.

Thank you for telling everyone you saw even if you didn't know them that I was your granddaughter and your best buddy.

Thank you for understanding that I was not going hunting and I would not be shooting a gun.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of taking care of a car.

Thank you for explaining how to grow a garden and sharing the biggest tomatoes I have still ever seen.

Thank you for teaching me how to play poker.

Thank you for teaching me how to play marbles.

Thank you for playing "I won it, I two it" and always being the one who "8 it"

Thank you for watching me as I played at the park. Keeping a close eye on me.

Thank you for the giant Easter basket each year and explaining the difference between cheap chocolate and the good stuff.

Thank you for tucking me in every night and sneaking up the stairs hoping I wouldn't see you.

Thank you for being you. I will always cherish those memories. I miss you already.

Getting the Call

I walked into my Mom's house excited to spend the day at the fair. For some reason I was more excited than past years. Not sure why other than my kids were excited and my husband wasn't with us. He doesn't care to go. It was a day to add to the memories that I had as a child.

We walked in and she was on the phone. She looked a bit concerned but I didn't think much of it. She spent another 5 mins or so talking. Her voice starting to crack. You could hear the sadness in her voice from the other room. She finished by saying I'll be there in 20 mins.

I whispered to the kids, sounds like someone granny knows is sick or got hurt. I thought to myself must be important as I know she wouldn't change her fair plans unless necessary. Little did I know.

She walked down the hall and around the corner. Stood there and stared at me. "He's gone". I looked at her not understanding. Who's gone? After I said those words I realized what happened. "Pap?". She responded, Yes he died this morning.

I got up and hugged her as we cried.

Memories

So I sit here thinking about past memories and future memories that we will make while in PA.

We are on a mini getaway. Can't say it's going to be relaxing. Visiting my Mom is never relaxing. I'm always afraid of what I might do wrong, yes even at 40. Throw my kids into the equation and the anxiety is high. She's never been a kid person. I would know. I know she enjoys seeing us, just as long as she is not the one making the 10 hour trip. But I always feel that when I go she says, "Wow, that was a bit much. Good thing they don't come often". Now whether she truly feels this way I don't know. I sure hope not. But I still can't seem to shake the feeling.

Along with my Mom I get to see my Grandfather. Pap, as I call him. This man has meant the world to me. My most cherished memories as a child has been with him. I always felt loved, cared for and special. Both my grandmother and grandfather were wonderful to me. I only got to see them a few times a year but they were always the best weeks of my year. My grandmother has already passed away and soon my grandfather will too. He has been very sick the last few months. In and out of the hospital, too many times to count. He is 95, deaf, blind and in the midst of heart failure, demetia and pneumonia. He is no longer the Pap I remember. I lost that man many years ago. He's a mean old man who swears, yells, and hates everyone and everything. He can tear you down with just a sentence. He can get my blood boiling as I sit and listen to him tear my mother apart. Mind you she has been the one taking care of him for years, yet to him she is nothing but a pain in the ass and someone who wants to steal his money. I don't like this man.

I haven't seen him for a year. My kids two years. I went too long. Shame on me for not making a better effort to go in the spring. Now we are near the end of his life and I will get to spend a bit of time with him the next few days. What memories will I take from this. I'm afraid they won't be good. I worry what the kids will think. Hard for them to believe that who they see now is not my grandfather. If it was, my kids would not even spend a minute with him. I hope he will be kind with them. We'll see.

Memories. The good and the bad. They make us who we are.

Random

Let me apologize now for the language in this blog entry.  I don't swear often.  Rarely ever.........but today I'm just plain pissed off.  So whatever flows from these fingers of mine....  Don't take it personally.  And more importantly don't judge.  This blog is for me.  I know others read it, but really it's for me to look back on to and laugh at.  To show my kids some day.  To see where I started and where I decided to end all these races. 

I hurt my leg back on June 17th.  I remember the run vividly.  I hit 3 miles and thought great my shin hurts.  Not again.  By mile 9 I was starting to run funny.  Not quite a limp but close.  By mile 12 my leg from ankle to hip was on fire.  Shooting pains.  This was only the beginning.

I now sit here over a month later with my leg wrapped in ice because it's throbbing.  I have a f$#%ing stress fracture.  Two days ago it was feeling better.  Last night and today a different story.  I drove for about 3.5 hours yesterday.  I think that's what set it off.  Just great I have to drive 10 hrs on Wed and again on Sunday.  It's going to be a very long long drive.  Then I'll limp through the pain for 3 days only to drive again.  But the trip is too important not to go.  It may be the last time I see my grandfather alive.  Cryptic I know but true.  He's has had double pneumonia for weeks.  Spending many a nights in the hospital.  He holds a very special place in my heart.  A place that no one will ever take over.  It's all his.  I look forward to seeing him.  Even if it's to hear him complain and tell me I do everything wrong.  He's 96 and has dementia.  Give him a break.

Once I get back from my trip I have a decision to make.  I'll have 20 days to prepare myself for the Chicago Triathlon.  An Olympic triathlon.  First time I will have ever done that distance.  Second, it's the largest triathlon in the World.  Yes the world..  So I have a 1500m swim, a 25 mile bike and a 6 mile run.  How can I not tri hard to finish?  Even with not working out for 3 weeks I should be able to complete it.  So Monday the 7th. I have to get back to swimming and biking.  Running is off limits.  It's going to be a rough week.

Until then I sit and try and decide what to do with the next year of my life.  Yup I'm already planning the next year.  I hope to be able to run the Chicago 1/2 in Sept.  Then I'm done for the year.  What's up for next year?  Well I have a plan.  I'm pretty sure my BIG race of the year for 2012 will be in Sept.  I'll leave it at that. 

Well I barely even swore......my mother would be proud.....


 

Now What?

I got my results yesterday. 

A stress fracture.

A BIG BAD stress fracture.

Great.

6-8 weeks of healing.

No running or any more walking than necessary

Though I can swim and bike.

But I don't feel like swimming and biking.

I lost my mojo yet again.

This always happens to me after a big race and when injured.

X-rays again on the 24th to decide if I can complete the Chicago Triathlon.

Possibly the 1/2 marathon in Sept.

Chicago Marathon is out.  I would have 1 week to train for it after it heals.

I think I need a break from training again.

Looks like I'll be winging it for awhile.

I thought being 40 would be better than 39. 

I was wrong.