Yesterday

Yesterday....not such a good day.

I did nothing.

I am an athlete, yet yesterday I acted like I was a morbidly obese person. 

Everything I ate yesterday was some shade of brown.  I ate all carbs non stop for hours.

I sat most of the day in front of the computer or TV.

I felt awful, stressed, tired, anxious and just plain miserable.  Call it depression if you will.

When this happens it usually takes a few days to get out of the funk. 

This morning I feel pretty much the same.  And guess what I ate?  Brown cereal.  Though it was Fiber One.

I have a lot on my mind.  If only I could declare a victory over the weekend....... NOW and not on Monday.

I'm headed to the gym this morning for a class.  Just one class that's it no double workouts.

One day at a time, one hour at a time and today one minute at a time. 

Back Where I Started

After hours and hours of researching, analyzing and confusing myself I finally picked a training program for this years 1/2 Iron man.  For some reason this was a hard thing to do.  Why, I'm not sure.  I have never had a problem deciding how to train for a race before, so why now?  I just couldn't make a decision to save my life.  I've never been like that.  I used to make decisions pretty easily.  I'm thinking this new personality of mine, you know the one with the ongoing anxiety disorder has trouble committing to anything.  When I do, the heart rate climbs and the chest tightens.  My god, I went living room chair shopping yesterday and for the first 30 mins I thought I may have to run out of the store.  I'll never be able to commit to a chair!

So the plan I went with was the first one I considered.  Figures, had I made the quick decision I could of saved myself a lot of time.  I'm back with these guys. But this time they have something new to offer.  I don't consider myself a beginner triathlete but the site is not only for beginners.  They have training programs for every length of race from beginner to advanced.  Though I may not consider myself a newbie I do consider myself as slow.  With this in mind I need to improve on my times if I ever want to challenge myself to the Iron man distance.  My father told me the other day to judge if you can handle the Iron man in the time allotted, which is 17 hours you have to double your 1/2 iron man time and add 90 mins.  If I take last years results in consideration then I would finish an Iron man in 15 hrs and 15 mins.  But I don't think a 90 min buffer is enough.  Worst case scenario is that you walk the entire 26.2 miles.  That would give me a time of about 17 hours.  Picking the right training program will help me decide if yes I can handle an Iron man in 2013.  Yes Dad, 2013.

By using the beginner triathlete website I was able to customize my own training program.  With a little information about myself, my past paces, my time available to train and whether I wanted to maintain my times or improve on them the computer is able to spit out a 20 week program built just for me.  Perfect.  Brilliant if you ask me.   With very detailed descriptions for each workout I should become stronger and faster with each passing week.  Starting Monday I will have a new part time job for the next 4 months.  Training for 70.3 Racine. 

So what do I do until Monday?  I try and get rid of this crappy feeling I have.  Hormones raging this week.  Fighting a cold and I think I'm winning.  Resting.  Possibly skipping my run today.  Fighting the anxiety for the weekend I have planned.  Trying not to eat everything I can find in the house. It's one of those days.  It's cold and snowing outside.  I have no errands that have to be done today.  I could just curl up on the couch and watch Judge Judy all day.  Soon that won't be an option.

Time to Find

I've spent some time thinking.  Not sure it's done any good.  I don't feel like I've made any progress with my thoughts. I'm still in limbo.  Waiting for what I don't know.  I have spent the past 6 weeks NOT training.  That doesn't mean I don't work out.  As a matter of fact I spend at least 5 days a week working out and usually 3 of those 5 have double workouts.  What NOT training does mean is that I have not followed any program.  I do not have a piece of paper telling me what I need to do that day.  I just wing it.  I have a mental schedule of sorts.  Gym on Mon, Wed, Fri.  Run at home Tues, Thurs and the weekend.  Bike trainer once or twice a week.  But I do what I feel like doing.  This is what normal healthy fit individuals do.  They get their workouts in and go about their day.  They don't check a schedule.  They don't look ahead to see how long will the long run be on Sat.  They don't count down the days until a recovery week.  Seems like less stress.  Then why do I feel like it's a waste of time.  I'd rather not be working out.  I'd rather spend the time trying to get this anxiety under control.  I'd rather sit my butt on the couch and watch TV.  My trainer told me that I'm addicted to over training.  I just looked her in the eye and laughed out loud.  She has got me so wrong.  The reason I work out is so I can maintain a healthy body while still eating all the crap I want.  Truly that is what it is.  So I figure if I'm going to work out there should be a reward besides 50 peanut butter pretzels at about 1:30.  Boy they were yummy.

So the reward I choose along with 1/2 bag of potato chips is racing.  If I'm going to workout I might as well race.  I might as well get some bling.  In order to race you need to train.  Hence the training program.  It is time to find a program.  It's time to get to racing.  The 6 weeks "off" were needed but now I'm not focused.  I've lost my mojo.  Kinda just going through the motions.  I'm tired of that.  I need that piece of paper, or better yet computer screen to tell me what's on the schedule today?  What is going to make me stronger and faster?  I've given myself this week to figure out what training program to use.  It will be geared to my 1/2 iron man in July.  Most programs are 20 weeks.  Which means training starts on Feb 27. 

Picking a program can take time, a lot of time.  I don't have a coach. That will come when I choose to do a full iron man.  For now I do it on my own, with my training buddy in the next lane, on the next bike or on occasion running next to me.  But you see 20 years separates us.  So what works for dear old Dad may not work for me.  So I need to pick the program that works for me.  Finding that program is a workout in itself. 

Designated Rest Day....aka Hooky

I'm playing hooky today.  I should be showing up to spin about now and have already done a 1200m swim.  Instead I sit here still in my PJ's deciding if I'll clean the house or maybe just plop down on the couch and watch movies all day.

We all have those days that we just want to do nothing.  I have a lot of those days since I can't seem to figure out the secret to a good night's sleep. But for the most part I get to the gym or I hit the treadmill and get something done.  After that I'm more focused and get even more done throughout the day.  But today I think not.

Sleeping has again been a huge topic at my house.  It was so bad on Sat morning that I was nauseous every time I  moved.  This tends to happen when I'm up all night long.  Last night I felt guilty for leaving Chloe for about 5 hours while we went to a party.  So, when we got home I placed her bed on top of ours at the foot of the bed.  Perfect I thought until about 1:30 in the morning a heard a big thump.  She slid right off her bed and hit the floor.  Surprised her as much as me.  I picked her up and she quickly snuggled right near my head and chest still shaken from her fall.  So I let her stay there.  Great for her, not so great for me.   I was on the edge of the bed with dog leg, butt, face or whatever position she decided to be in, in my face.  And of course she too snores just like my husband.  I love my husband and dog, however it doesn't come across that way when the Mother of the house is getting NO SLEEP!  She tends to be lethargic, irritable, slow, sore, itchy, antsy, unattractive, snippy and on occasion silent.  The silence comes when I have had enough and if I were to dare start talking about it I would hurt feelings, get other's pissed off or just explode in anger.  Been there done that, I know when to bite my tongue.

So I am playing hooky and of course feeling guilty about it.  I'm not training for anything right now so really there's no reason I can't have today off.  I worked out hard yesterday and will again on Tues, Wed, Thurs and Friday plus either Sat or Sun.  Writing this blog entry I thought would help me feel less guilty.  Make it sound more like I wasn't making excuses.  It's not working. 

I admit it.  I am making the excuse that I'm just too tired to bother today.  I'll rest today and work that much harder tomorrow.  Just call me wimpy smart.

It's Decision Time

February 1st. 

This means two things. 

1. My baby is 11 1/2 

2. Registration opens for the 2011 Chicago Marathon.

Decisions to be made? 

1. Which cookie cake do I pick for the 1/2 birthday?

2. Do I want to make 2011 Chicago my 5th and very likely last marathon? 

Decisions, decisions.