Changes

I'm in limbo.  I'm in pain.  I'm sad.  I'm overwhelmed.  

Changes are coming at me in all different directions.  When I think I find the new normal, something else is thrown at me.  I'm trying to keep up, but I feel like I'm falling behind.  Regressing.  Due to not only me but others who are involved in my life.  

I've been making changes to ease some of the anxiety I endure.  Yet, I feel like it's going to get worse before it gets better.  Daily life has changed for me in many ways.  Some good, some not so good.  Some in my control, most of it not.  

I sense I will be a bit withdrawn for awhile.  I need to be.  Otherwise I may say or do something that isn't going to go over very well.  I want to be selfish.  I want to figure my own crap out.  I don't need more thrown at me.  But alas, I don't have a choice.  More is being thrown, and I have to start juggling.

Good thing I know how to juggle.  

Bump in the Road

I have been training for races for the past 10 years.  It hasn't been constant.  But I think I'm safe in saying I have been on a training schedule at least twice a year for the past 10 years.  Whether it was for a 1/2 marathon or a 1/2 Ironman I'd follow the words on the paper.

I don't always choose the same training plan.  Different coaches have posted training plans online that I have tried.  I have chosen the free basic plans and I have paid for training plans with slight more detail to them.  What I haven't done is find myself a coach.

They are not cheap.  And I feel like I'm not worthy enough to have a paid coach.  Like shame on me for spending money on myself every month for something that I have done on my own in the past.  But I'm struggling through this latest training segment.  I see no light.  I don't look forward to anything but the rest days and the moment I finish the workouts each day.  It's hard.  It's high volume.  I don't remember it being this hard last time.  I know I'm older but come on.

This week in particular, I'm having a very hard time.  My lack of sleep is affecting my daily recovery.  So my body is always fatigued instead of stronger each day.  I'm fighting what I thought was a cold but I'm starting to think it's just another warning sign to slow down.  Yesterday I shortened my run and my swim.  Today I didn't make it on the treadmill until 1:45 which is a no no for me and stopped 5 times in the first and only mile.

Today I quit.  Today I gave up.  Today I lost the mental battle.  Today I feel weak, slow, lazy.  Today I feel like if someone knew I backed off yesterday and quit today they would look at me with pity.  Today I question why am I doing this again.  I've already proven that I can cross that line.  Not once but twice.

I know why I'm doing it.  Because I want to cross that full ironman finish line so badly and I know I have to first cross another line, stay in shape and continue training to the next level.  That's why I'm where I'm at now.  Week 10 of training.

So I sit here trying to decide what to do next.  Do I just blow it off, tell myself that tomorrow's long ride will get me back in check?  Do I start looking for a new training plan that is a bit easier? Do I take the next few days off totally and see what happens at my race on Sunday?  Do I back way off the next 10 days and see if maybe I don't want this as bad as I thought?

Committing to a 1/2 Ironman is no joke.  It's rough, tough and something almost no one does.  I find that most people who aren't athletes or know of an athlete, which is most people, have no idea what a 1/2 Ironman is.  When I tell them, their eyes widen.  Mouth drops and they look utterly confused.  Then once they understand what the race is, I get that look.  It's the look I want.  It's that look that makes me feel good.  It's that look that makes it all worth it.  The wow factor.  It is what defines me.  "She's the girl who can swim bike and run 70.3 miles."

That makes me smile.  But do I always have to be that girl?  It's what people know about me.  Other than that, I'm a Mom and Wife.  I don't work outside the home so triathlon is who I am.  Maybe it's time to find a new focus.  Maybe I'm just having a bad day.  Bad week?

I think it's time to do a little digging.  It's time for a revised training plan.  It's time to back off just a little bit.  Reevaluate my goals.  I have to be careful though because I know if I let this bad feeling take over my Ironman dream may be gone.

You see when I see an Ironman my eyes widen, my mouth drops and I'm in awe.  I want to be them.  They have the "wow factor"

The question is what is the best way to get there?  One mile at a time I guess.  And today was literally one mile.

All of It

Ever have one of those days that you feel very under appreciated?

That no one gets the hard work you do?

There are days like today, I went way beyond what a normal person would do in a day.

I have the blisters on my hands and my feet, from a hard days work, after two hard workouts.

I have vowed to do everything possible to stay on track with the care of the house, inside and out.

I have vowed to train well for this 1/2 ironman.

All I want is acknowledgement.  Not a "looks nice".  How long did it take you?

How about a......Wow that looks fantastic, and you did all the yard work too?  That must of been brutal after your workouts.   You know how much I appreciate you doing all this stuff?  Especially when your working so hard towards your own personal goals.  Thank you.

I think my 14 year old was more impressed with me than my husband.  He marveled at the deck.  Said it looks brand new.  He asked what else I did.  I told him and he said "Good job, Mom!"  That's a lot for one day.  You deserve to sit on the couch and do nothing.  Why thank you Jeffrey.

I take pride in the fact that most women I know don't do half of what I do.  I see all the husbands outside getting stuff done when they can fit it in.  I'm able to give that free time luxury to my husband.  It's only fair since I'm the one home all day.

But I'm certainly not sitting at home eating Bon bons all day.  I'm working my ass off making this house one of the nicest ones on the block.  Inside and out.

I take my household manger duties seriously.  Like a job.   Since I don't get paid for said job.  Words of excitement, astonishment, awe, and sheer impressiveness are required.  Especially during my 18 weeks of  ironman training.

I've spoiled the man.  This is normal for him.  He knows I'll take care of it all.  The same can be said for my kids.  I'll take care of it all.

Soon we leave for vacation.  I've been talking about how important it is for me to get my workouts in.  I will not fall behind.  It is very important to me.  I ask questions on where to swim where to bike.  It's not the most triathlete friendly place, I guess.  I still don't know where this will all take place, but I do know I will be placing myself first.  I  will figure it out, get it done and take care of it all.