His World

My oldest comes home tomorrow.

He has been gone a week.  I miss him.

He's busy doing good deeds and having fun as I sit here and think about him.

Earlier today I decided things have been more peaceful this week.  

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have him here, but the quiet is nice.

He's not a loud kid, nor is he home much when he is home.

But get him near his brother and bicker, bicker, bicker.

And the coming and going.....constantly.  God forbid he sit and chat with his mother.

I always hope after the mission trip he will all of a sudden enjoy my company.

Didn't happen last year so I don't expect it to this year.

He only has 1 month until school starts.  Not much time until he's a senior.  

A senior.  Wow.

Where has the time gone?

There was a day way back when.....when he wouldn't leave my side.

I was the best thing in his world.

I bet deep down inside he still thinks I am.

Ride

For me this blog has always been about my journey through my many races I have done.  The ups and downs of training, racing and daily life.

I think it's time for a change.

I quit training and racing about a month ago.  I've been doing it for 10 years.  I've completed all the distances I wanted with the exception of an Ironman.  It was just not satisfying anymore.  Added more stress to my life, more anxiety, more pressure and more panic.  That is not how I want to live.

Fortunately my blog title has little to do with triathlons.  It has to do with trying hard no matter what your doing or going through.  I try hard every damn day.

So with that being said our family has a huge 2015 ahead of us.

Starting with our remaining 2014 and onward our list includes:

My youngest learns how to drive
My oldest turns 18
My youngest will be confirmed
My oldest will graduate High School
My youngest will turn 16
My oldest will go off to college

I will be married 20 years next year
My husband turns 50 next year
Somewhere in there my parents will move to Hilton Head

My gut tells me we will also have 1 or two more big things to celebrate, but those remain unknown for now.

All these things are huge.  They will all have celebrations and I'm sure tears will be shed.

2015 will be scary, exciting and a roller coaster for me I'm sure.

I'll use this space for all those feelings.

I will try hard with every moment to embrace it, enjoy it and let the tears flow when I need to.

I'm ready for the ride.

Changes

I'm in limbo.  I'm in pain.  I'm sad.  I'm overwhelmed.  

Changes are coming at me in all different directions.  When I think I find the new normal, something else is thrown at me.  I'm trying to keep up, but I feel like I'm falling behind.  Regressing.  Due to not only me but others who are involved in my life.  

I've been making changes to ease some of the anxiety I endure.  Yet, I feel like it's going to get worse before it gets better.  Daily life has changed for me in many ways.  Some good, some not so good.  Some in my control, most of it not.  

I sense I will be a bit withdrawn for awhile.  I need to be.  Otherwise I may say or do something that isn't going to go over very well.  I want to be selfish.  I want to figure my own crap out.  I don't need more thrown at me.  But alas, I don't have a choice.  More is being thrown, and I have to start juggling.

Good thing I know how to juggle.  

Bump in the Road

I have been training for races for the past 10 years.  It hasn't been constant.  But I think I'm safe in saying I have been on a training schedule at least twice a year for the past 10 years.  Whether it was for a 1/2 marathon or a 1/2 Ironman I'd follow the words on the paper.

I don't always choose the same training plan.  Different coaches have posted training plans online that I have tried.  I have chosen the free basic plans and I have paid for training plans with slight more detail to them.  What I haven't done is find myself a coach.

They are not cheap.  And I feel like I'm not worthy enough to have a paid coach.  Like shame on me for spending money on myself every month for something that I have done on my own in the past.  But I'm struggling through this latest training segment.  I see no light.  I don't look forward to anything but the rest days and the moment I finish the workouts each day.  It's hard.  It's high volume.  I don't remember it being this hard last time.  I know I'm older but come on.

This week in particular, I'm having a very hard time.  My lack of sleep is affecting my daily recovery.  So my body is always fatigued instead of stronger each day.  I'm fighting what I thought was a cold but I'm starting to think it's just another warning sign to slow down.  Yesterday I shortened my run and my swim.  Today I didn't make it on the treadmill until 1:45 which is a no no for me and stopped 5 times in the first and only mile.

Today I quit.  Today I gave up.  Today I lost the mental battle.  Today I feel weak, slow, lazy.  Today I feel like if someone knew I backed off yesterday and quit today they would look at me with pity.  Today I question why am I doing this again.  I've already proven that I can cross that line.  Not once but twice.

I know why I'm doing it.  Because I want to cross that full ironman finish line so badly and I know I have to first cross another line, stay in shape and continue training to the next level.  That's why I'm where I'm at now.  Week 10 of training.

So I sit here trying to decide what to do next.  Do I just blow it off, tell myself that tomorrow's long ride will get me back in check?  Do I start looking for a new training plan that is a bit easier? Do I take the next few days off totally and see what happens at my race on Sunday?  Do I back way off the next 10 days and see if maybe I don't want this as bad as I thought?

Committing to a 1/2 Ironman is no joke.  It's rough, tough and something almost no one does.  I find that most people who aren't athletes or know of an athlete, which is most people, have no idea what a 1/2 Ironman is.  When I tell them, their eyes widen.  Mouth drops and they look utterly confused.  Then once they understand what the race is, I get that look.  It's the look I want.  It's that look that makes me feel good.  It's that look that makes it all worth it.  The wow factor.  It is what defines me.  "She's the girl who can swim bike and run 70.3 miles."

That makes me smile.  But do I always have to be that girl?  It's what people know about me.  Other than that, I'm a Mom and Wife.  I don't work outside the home so triathlon is who I am.  Maybe it's time to find a new focus.  Maybe I'm just having a bad day.  Bad week?

I think it's time to do a little digging.  It's time for a revised training plan.  It's time to back off just a little bit.  Reevaluate my goals.  I have to be careful though because I know if I let this bad feeling take over my Ironman dream may be gone.

You see when I see an Ironman my eyes widen, my mouth drops and I'm in awe.  I want to be them.  They have the "wow factor"

The question is what is the best way to get there?  One mile at a time I guess.  And today was literally one mile.

All of It

Ever have one of those days that you feel very under appreciated?

That no one gets the hard work you do?

There are days like today, I went way beyond what a normal person would do in a day.

I have the blisters on my hands and my feet, from a hard days work, after two hard workouts.

I have vowed to do everything possible to stay on track with the care of the house, inside and out.

I have vowed to train well for this 1/2 ironman.

All I want is acknowledgement.  Not a "looks nice".  How long did it take you?

How about a......Wow that looks fantastic, and you did all the yard work too?  That must of been brutal after your workouts.   You know how much I appreciate you doing all this stuff?  Especially when your working so hard towards your own personal goals.  Thank you.

I think my 14 year old was more impressed with me than my husband.  He marveled at the deck.  Said it looks brand new.  He asked what else I did.  I told him and he said "Good job, Mom!"  That's a lot for one day.  You deserve to sit on the couch and do nothing.  Why thank you Jeffrey.

I take pride in the fact that most women I know don't do half of what I do.  I see all the husbands outside getting stuff done when they can fit it in.  I'm able to give that free time luxury to my husband.  It's only fair since I'm the one home all day.

But I'm certainly not sitting at home eating Bon bons all day.  I'm working my ass off making this house one of the nicest ones on the block.  Inside and out.

I take my household manger duties seriously.  Like a job.   Since I don't get paid for said job.  Words of excitement, astonishment, awe, and sheer impressiveness are required.  Especially during my 18 weeks of  ironman training.

I've spoiled the man.  This is normal for him.  He knows I'll take care of it all.  The same can be said for my kids.  I'll take care of it all.

Soon we leave for vacation.  I've been talking about how important it is for me to get my workouts in.  I will not fall behind.  It is very important to me.  I ask questions on where to swim where to bike.  It's not the most triathlete friendly place, I guess.  I still don't know where this will all take place, but I do know I will be placing myself first.  I  will figure it out, get it done and take care of it all.

Crossing It Off

It's one of those days.  The kind you would like to redo.

I woke up thinking.....I just can't.  Not today.  Please, I just want the mental and physical break.  Not today.

Then I looked at the clock.  What time would I have to leave to have enough time to get to the gym, swim 1250m and then change get on the spin bike early before class to get the 25 miles in.  That time was 7:30.  It was 6:15am.

I was out the door at 7:30.  Complaining, whining and swearing.  Pulled into the gym parking lot still complaining, whining and swearing.  Once inside I realized I forgot the water bottle in the car.  Damn.  I'll just buy an overpriced one after I swim.  

 Sitting at the edge of the lap pool I realize my swimsuit is on inside out.  Not really noticeable but still.  Really??  I jump in and crap, I left my Fitbit on my wrist.  Under it went.  Well I hope since it's shower proof it's also dunk proof.  

Today's swim 300 warm up, 16x50 w. 10 sec rest. and then a 150 cool down.  This seems like it is easy.  But really it's the type of swim if you push yourself, your swimming with lactic acid during a good portion of it.  I do see slight improvements in my speed.  A sec or two here and there.  Improvement is good, though I'm still considered a very slow triathlete swimmer.

After swimming I head to the locker room to change.  Grab my shoes.  Wait what?  Why did I bring my running shoes?  I'm biking not running.  Seriously what is wrong with me today?  Buy my expensive gym water and head to spin.  I'm 20 minutes early to get in 5 miles before class starts.  It's freezing and I'm wet and I'm still complaining, whining and swearing.  

I hate the instructor for Wed's class.  Ok, hate is a strong word.  I dislike her personality and the way she teaches class.  But I need to get the miles in.  So I go.  Best news of the day. Next wed is her last class.  YES!  Please give us back a better one.

You know when they say that once you start exercising you will feel better and be glad you did?  Doesn't always happen.  Today was a prime example. Other than being able to cross off my workouts on my training plan, nothing else felt very good about it.  

It's my recovery week.  I find that by the time you get to a recovery week you're toast.  Mental and physical capabilities are harder this week than others.  Your body screaming to slow down.  Take some time off.  I fight through it just like I fight though my daily anxiety. Not gonna lie today was tough.

Recovery week and I've done 6 workouts in 3 days.  It should now get a bit easier for the rest of the week.  A long run, long ride and a short run for the next three days.  

I've already run a bunch of errands for the day and there are no activities to attend or be a part of today so I'm done.  Phoning it in the rest of the day.  If you need me I'll be on the couch eating.

   

Week 7

Week 7~

 I'm tired.

 I'm not sleeping.

I want to eat all day.

Even going to the store seems like too much work.

I'm emotional.

On a 45 mile ride, I think there's no way to do another 70.3 IM let alone a full one.



Week7~

I haven't missed one workout so far.

I am injury free.

I can do in a day what some people do in a week

I'm dropping a few pounds.  Hope to drop a few more.

Soreness isn't slowing me down.



Based on the above...I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I Have Changed

I've been contemplating whether or not to go back to blogging.  It's not like I have a big fan base or even a fan but sometimes I think it helps when the going gets tough.

It's been over two years since my last post.  I feel like I'm at confession.  So not my thing.

So much has happened in those two years.  For now though, I'll concentrate on myself.  For the last few years I have had a new battle to fight.  It's name is anxiety.  It can be a debilitating disease that will take over your whole life if you let it.  I admit I was close to letting it.  Not because I wanted to, but because no matter how hard I fought I couldn't seem to win.  I thought for awhile that I was going to be one of those agoraphobic women that lived a horrible life.

I have tried very hard, with everything in me to win this battle.  It's been over three years and I'm still trying.  What I have come to realize and accept is that I will always be trying.  I won't ever be without the anxiety.  There will always be certain things that will set it off.  But I've come a very very long way.  From barely leaving the house. To back on track with 1/2 Ironman training.  I have more good days than bad now which is huge!  Sometimes though I think those that know I struggle forget I have anxiety because I hide it so well.  This in turn makes things harder for me.  I don't want to come across as still a mess, but sometimes, yup I'm a mess.  Could be a mess that makes absolutely no sense.  But true anxiety and panic attacks don't make sense unless you are truly in a flight or fight scenario.  It's a mental battle every. single. day.

Nowadays, I'm an athlete with an anxiety disorder.  Training for my third 70.3 IM.

Blogging again about training I hope will keep me on track and motivated.

Ironman 70.3 Steelhead
August 10th 2014