I went from basically being sedated on a drug for two days to being on speed for 3.
Once again my Dr is trying another medication for the anxiety. This time we are solely concentrating on the anxiety, not the urgency to run to the bathroom. As it's the anxiety that makes my body feel as if I need to go and I need to go immediately!
Drugs and I do not get along well. I have always been very sensitive to anything I take. Tylenol PM? Why I might as well run a marathon after I take it. NyQuil? Took that once when I was about 18 and thought I would have to go to the hospital because my heart was beating so fast and I couldn't breathe. Antibiotics of any sort keep me up all night long. I cringe when I have to try a new drug, as I know there are going to be serious side affects.
So for 3 days I have been on Sertraline. Side effects? INSOMNIA. Now I'm the first to admit that I am not a good sleeper to begin with. But taking this medication...........Holy Crap my mind just won't stop. Last night I thought about everything from which tape I'll use when I start doing more house painting? Frog tape or Blue tape? To what would it feel like if Chole got hurt and we had to put her down. Would they allow me to be with her as her eyes closed? I lay there thinking this is ridiculous. I should just get up and go to the gym. The pool should be pretty quiet at 3 am.
Now there are pro's to this. I am wide awake at 10 pm. I used to struggle with staying awake till 9. No problem now. I have been getting a lot done. Lot's of painting, training, chores, errands, decorating......the list goes on. I just don't stop. I was at about 6 stores yesterday and 2 today with the kids. While I had the anxiety both times I was able to calm down and get through it without freaking out and panicking. I actually had some moments that I forgot that I had a problem. Peace. It was nice.
What's is a bit of a surprise is that today training was hard. It was a long swim day and I was tired after doing 2350m of various drills and speeds. I then headed to the treadmill for a 4 mile run. Was supposed to be in zone 1 and 2. Well I couldn't keep it out of zone 3. That is not good. My heart rate was 10 beats higher for the same speed than usual. Now is it the medicine or lack of sleep? I'm going to have to keep my eye on that as it could become a bigger issue.
I promised myself I would stick with the drug for a week and hopefully gut out 2 weeks. How long my body can last with basically no sleep is yet to be determined. I will have to weigh those pro's and con's when the time comes. I think after week one I will cut the pill in half and try that. It will be difficult as the pill is about the size of a sprinkle!
Another side affect, loss of appetite, and weight loss. Well all right, I'll take that. I have already noticed that I'm not scavenging for food all afternoon. I suppose the scale will start showing that soon. Who needs sleep? When I can get more done and lose weight?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Three Days of Thoughts
I believe it may be true bad news comes in threes. Maybe fours and fives for some.
Over a week ago my husband's Uncle had a massive heart attack. I have always been a fan of Uncle Chuck. He went out of his way to make me feel comfortable back when I was just the girlfriend meeting the family for the first few times. My husband has a huge family. Very overwhelming for me at the time. But Uncle Chuck made it seem like all would be good and that I would make a great fit. Sure enough he was right. This man has made remarkable progress in a week. From being shocked 11 times to sitting in a chair chatting with the family. He's still has a long way to go but it's a miracle that he is doing as well as he is. A very special man indeed.
Along with that news, we found out that a friend of my sister in law had passed away. She was obviously in pain with the loss of her own child two years ago and just couldn't go on. Very sad news to hear even though I had only met her a few times.
Another family member on my husband's side went into rehab. I guess you could say this is a good thing. But still sad to hear that it came to that in the first place. Unfortunately drugs and alcohol abuse run in both sides of our family.
This morning as I was swimming I wondered where my father was. For some reason my thoughts went straight to Oreo, his dog. I wondered if she was ok. I finished my swim and was just opening my locker when my phone started ringing. It was my step-mom telling me Oreo wasn't doing well. She is 14 and lost a lot of blood during the night. Probably cancer as they found a growth. Still waiting to hear the results of other tests she is having done this afternoon. As she told me the news while sobbing, I started to cry. This dog was born when my oldest was born. I took care of her as a puppy while taking care of a newborn. My sisters probably don't remember not ever having her around as they were 6 I think when Oreo came home that first night. She was so small and adorable. Now big and slow, she has had a great life. I hope she is lucky enough to enjoy it for a bit longer.
As for my immediate family.......well our troubles aren't so grand. My youngest is still sick with a chest cold after a week. My other son has a slight head cold. I have the chest and head cold though not enough to knock me out. I tried the new medication that I asked for for the anxiety. Worst stuff I have ever taken. I was a zombie for two days. I couldn't do a thing. I drifted off at least 20 times a day. There is no way I could continue taking it and get anything done. So back to square one. I have a call into the doctor hoping that there is something else I can try.
Well here it is Wednesday. I started this entry on Monday. Time got away from me. Not much has changed these two days. I did get my butt back to the gym after missing three workouts last week due to my chest cold. Running is still difficult, tightness in the chest. But I feel it getting better.
Everyday seems to bring on new challenges. Whether it be with me personally or the family or like today for a friend. I listened to her for about 20 minutes explaining all that was going on. I am one of the few that may be able to help. Her daughter is dealing with some anxiety issues that seem to be slowing consuming her. She is only in 7th grade. I offered to talk to her but I'm sure there is no way she would sit and talk with me about this. I'm hoping she will as maybe I can explain things better to her than all the doctors she has seen. I keep telling people this but I had no idea what it was like for people with anxiety issues on a daily basis. I could venture a guess and read and watch people but until I had it myself I truly didn't know a thing. It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Emotionally, physically.......the damage it does to me and the family. The hurt, the pain, the sadness, the frustration. Unless you have been there you have no idea. For me it is slowly getting better after 6 months of torture. I'm not convinced it will ever go completely away. Maybe I'm just getting better at dealing with it. I really didn't have a choice. Life goes on and I had to figure out a way to go on to. To be in 7th grade and have to go through this. How awful.
So it's all around us. People struggling. For my immediate family, if all we have right now is a husband with stress with a new job and kids that are sick with colds and me who received the cold and a disorder well that's not all that bad, compared to most. I am thankful that we have each other to lean on and to be there for. I am thankful that we all love each other even though my kids will say I don't love my brother. I know they do and I know we would do anything for each other to get through the rough times. We are lucky.
Over a week ago my husband's Uncle had a massive heart attack. I have always been a fan of Uncle Chuck. He went out of his way to make me feel comfortable back when I was just the girlfriend meeting the family for the first few times. My husband has a huge family. Very overwhelming for me at the time. But Uncle Chuck made it seem like all would be good and that I would make a great fit. Sure enough he was right. This man has made remarkable progress in a week. From being shocked 11 times to sitting in a chair chatting with the family. He's still has a long way to go but it's a miracle that he is doing as well as he is. A very special man indeed.
Along with that news, we found out that a friend of my sister in law had passed away. She was obviously in pain with the loss of her own child two years ago and just couldn't go on. Very sad news to hear even though I had only met her a few times.
Another family member on my husband's side went into rehab. I guess you could say this is a good thing. But still sad to hear that it came to that in the first place. Unfortunately drugs and alcohol abuse run in both sides of our family.
This morning as I was swimming I wondered where my father was. For some reason my thoughts went straight to Oreo, his dog. I wondered if she was ok. I finished my swim and was just opening my locker when my phone started ringing. It was my step-mom telling me Oreo wasn't doing well. She is 14 and lost a lot of blood during the night. Probably cancer as they found a growth. Still waiting to hear the results of other tests she is having done this afternoon. As she told me the news while sobbing, I started to cry. This dog was born when my oldest was born. I took care of her as a puppy while taking care of a newborn. My sisters probably don't remember not ever having her around as they were 6 I think when Oreo came home that first night. She was so small and adorable. Now big and slow, she has had a great life. I hope she is lucky enough to enjoy it for a bit longer.
As for my immediate family.......well our troubles aren't so grand. My youngest is still sick with a chest cold after a week. My other son has a slight head cold. I have the chest and head cold though not enough to knock me out. I tried the new medication that I asked for for the anxiety. Worst stuff I have ever taken. I was a zombie for two days. I couldn't do a thing. I drifted off at least 20 times a day. There is no way I could continue taking it and get anything done. So back to square one. I have a call into the doctor hoping that there is something else I can try.
Well here it is Wednesday. I started this entry on Monday. Time got away from me. Not much has changed these two days. I did get my butt back to the gym after missing three workouts last week due to my chest cold. Running is still difficult, tightness in the chest. But I feel it getting better.
Everyday seems to bring on new challenges. Whether it be with me personally or the family or like today for a friend. I listened to her for about 20 minutes explaining all that was going on. I am one of the few that may be able to help. Her daughter is dealing with some anxiety issues that seem to be slowing consuming her. She is only in 7th grade. I offered to talk to her but I'm sure there is no way she would sit and talk with me about this. I'm hoping she will as maybe I can explain things better to her than all the doctors she has seen. I keep telling people this but I had no idea what it was like for people with anxiety issues on a daily basis. I could venture a guess and read and watch people but until I had it myself I truly didn't know a thing. It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Emotionally, physically.......the damage it does to me and the family. The hurt, the pain, the sadness, the frustration. Unless you have been there you have no idea. For me it is slowly getting better after 6 months of torture. I'm not convinced it will ever go completely away. Maybe I'm just getting better at dealing with it. I really didn't have a choice. Life goes on and I had to figure out a way to go on to. To be in 7th grade and have to go through this. How awful.
So it's all around us. People struggling. For my immediate family, if all we have right now is a husband with stress with a new job and kids that are sick with colds and me who received the cold and a disorder well that's not all that bad, compared to most. I am thankful that we have each other to lean on and to be there for. I am thankful that we all love each other even though my kids will say I don't love my brother. I know they do and I know we would do anything for each other to get through the rough times. We are lucky.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'm Feeling the Cold
Here we are in week 3 of Iron man training and I am drained. Can't remember the last time I truly felt rested. It was probably when I took the last vacation that didn't include a race.
When I get this tired I eat poorly. The scale creeping up rather than down. It was bothering me for a few days then I decided, ya know what, who cares. I'm healthier and fitter than most out there. If my body is craving sugar then I'm going to have it. After exercising on average 1200 calories per day, I'm going to eat that cookie. Ok, let's be honest, 3 or 4 cookies.
Along with the fluctuating scale I am dealing with a bit of uneasiness with my whole anxiety/ bladder issue. To make a long story short....Dr wants a cystoscopy done. I do not. I do however want to try a new medication that I found after researching for hours. I went to the Dr today ready to fight and demand to be put on this medication. Lucky for me he knows me well enough to give it to me. Not because he's a push over but after explaining my hours behind the computer and what I found I basically diagnosed myself with IC. So I will start this Tofranil tomorrow and test it out for a few weeks. Then I will decided whether or not to have the scope done. I honestly don't think they will find anything. With the possibility of making the IC worse by having the cystoscopy done, I just don't know if it's worse the risk.
I have managed to duck out on the colds that have run through the family over the winter months. However, today I'm starting to get one. Sore throat, clogged ears. Pressure in head. Yup it's coming. Ain't gonna be pretty in a few days. Probably another reason I'm just so freakin tired!
I'm just about 1 month away from my first triathlon of the season. It will be bitter sweet. My sisters are now seniors in college where the triathlon takes place. The true reason we drive 6 hours for a sprint tri. We make a weekend out of it. Getting to spend time with them and their friends always makes for a fun weekend. I have a goal in mind for this race. I'm already visualizing each sport, knowing where I can improve from years past. It will be my 4th time racing this event and most likely my last. I will have a PR this year. Along with a PR I will prove a point. This almost 40 year old can keep up with those 20 something college students. Remember my true body age is 18, per my loving scale. I plan on beating quite a few of them. One in particular.
When I get this tired I eat poorly. The scale creeping up rather than down. It was bothering me for a few days then I decided, ya know what, who cares. I'm healthier and fitter than most out there. If my body is craving sugar then I'm going to have it. After exercising on average 1200 calories per day, I'm going to eat that cookie. Ok, let's be honest, 3 or 4 cookies.
Along with the fluctuating scale I am dealing with a bit of uneasiness with my whole anxiety/ bladder issue. To make a long story short....Dr wants a cystoscopy done. I do not. I do however want to try a new medication that I found after researching for hours. I went to the Dr today ready to fight and demand to be put on this medication. Lucky for me he knows me well enough to give it to me. Not because he's a push over but after explaining my hours behind the computer and what I found I basically diagnosed myself with IC. So I will start this Tofranil tomorrow and test it out for a few weeks. Then I will decided whether or not to have the scope done. I honestly don't think they will find anything. With the possibility of making the IC worse by having the cystoscopy done, I just don't know if it's worse the risk.
I have managed to duck out on the colds that have run through the family over the winter months. However, today I'm starting to get one. Sore throat, clogged ears. Pressure in head. Yup it's coming. Ain't gonna be pretty in a few days. Probably another reason I'm just so freakin tired!
I'm just about 1 month away from my first triathlon of the season. It will be bitter sweet. My sisters are now seniors in college where the triathlon takes place. The true reason we drive 6 hours for a sprint tri. We make a weekend out of it. Getting to spend time with them and their friends always makes for a fun weekend. I have a goal in mind for this race. I'm already visualizing each sport, knowing where I can improve from years past. It will be my 4th time racing this event and most likely my last. I will have a PR this year. Along with a PR I will prove a point. This almost 40 year old can keep up with those 20 something college students. Remember my true body age is 18, per my loving scale. I plan on beating quite a few of them. One in particular.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
New Friend
I've been working hard at trying to eat better. I still eat a lot but mostly healthy foods. The weekends.....well they aren't quiet as healthy as the rest of the week. Beer and pizza doesn't constitute healthy eating. But that's ok. We all deserve to have the things we like. I work very hard at being an endurance athlete. I can afford to have a day or two when I eat and drink what I want not what I should have.
I got a new scale. I think it likes me. We seem to have a nice relationship emerging. It tells me all sorts of data. I get to find out not only my weight but my hydration level, bone density, BMI, how many calories I can consume to weight the same thing the following day, How much vesicular fat I have. The best feature is the fact that it takes all that info into account and tells me how old my body is.
I turn 40 in about 3 months. My scale says I'm 18. Yup, 18. My husband tried it and I think he got an age of 33. Still rather impressive since he's 45, but 18 ha beat that.
The pounds are slowly starting to drop. I have lost 7 pounds since Dec. Slow and steady. The body is starting to change. I see muscles starting to erupt. My legs as powerful or more so than most men's is where my fat likes to hibernate. But the quads are starting to show.... the hamstrings starting to bulk up. My legs will continue to get larger. More muscle, less fat. I have to give kudos to Donna, my trainer, for this loss of fat. I have been spending an awful lot of boring time in zone 2. Right now at the beginning of Ironman training it's about 80% base training. Which is in zone 2. Perfect fat burning zone. The more time I spend in this zone the more fat I will lose.
As of right now I am only 2 lbs. heavier than when I did my last 1/2 ironman. Since I have 4 months until I do it again I'm shooting for losing another 6-8 pounds. If it doesn't happen than that's ok. When I trained last time all I did was eat and during the 20 week program I lost 10 pounds. So 6-8 should be doable. My scale and I will work together getting me to that goal. Maybe by race day I'll be 11 years old. I pick 11 because I have one of those and man is he fast!
I got a new scale. I think it likes me. We seem to have a nice relationship emerging. It tells me all sorts of data. I get to find out not only my weight but my hydration level, bone density, BMI, how many calories I can consume to weight the same thing the following day, How much vesicular fat I have. The best feature is the fact that it takes all that info into account and tells me how old my body is.
I turn 40 in about 3 months. My scale says I'm 18. Yup, 18. My husband tried it and I think he got an age of 33. Still rather impressive since he's 45, but 18 ha beat that.
The pounds are slowly starting to drop. I have lost 7 pounds since Dec. Slow and steady. The body is starting to change. I see muscles starting to erupt. My legs as powerful or more so than most men's is where my fat likes to hibernate. But the quads are starting to show.... the hamstrings starting to bulk up. My legs will continue to get larger. More muscle, less fat. I have to give kudos to Donna, my trainer, for this loss of fat. I have been spending an awful lot of boring time in zone 2. Right now at the beginning of Ironman training it's about 80% base training. Which is in zone 2. Perfect fat burning zone. The more time I spend in this zone the more fat I will lose.
As of right now I am only 2 lbs. heavier than when I did my last 1/2 ironman. Since I have 4 months until I do it again I'm shooting for losing another 6-8 pounds. If it doesn't happen than that's ok. When I trained last time all I did was eat and during the 20 week program I lost 10 pounds. So 6-8 should be doable. My scale and I will work together getting me to that goal. Maybe by race day I'll be 11 years old. I pick 11 because I have one of those and man is he fast!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Dealing with the Ache
I spent the night trying to figure out why I'm so sore. My legs, especially my knees are not happy with me. Fortunately I know I don't have an injury as it's just a dull ache no sharp pain. They throbbed all night. Maybe I'm getting too old for all this training. 40 is just around the corner.
Week one. What I'm hoping is that my body is just getting used to working hard again. It's not that I haven't been swimming, biking or running before training started but now I have to do it with a goal in mind. Hitting speeds, heart rates and paces that didn't matter before. Every work out has a purpose. Today I have only 1 workout. Yes! Tomorrow 3.
I got a new pair of sneakers that could be making things worse. My feet feel great, but the shoes are heavy and this knee thing...... I'll go back to my old ones that hurt my feet and see if the knee issues go away. I've been running on a consistent basis for about 7 years. I still have yet to find a shoe that works. Having one wide foot, one normal, one an 8.5 one a 9 and the highest arches I have ever seen on someone could be the cause. I have actually thought about having custom shoes made. They are about $400. I would have done it by now if they didn't wear out. Having to replace those would be more painful than how my feet feel in an $129 shoe.
So I hobble around a bit today. It's only the beginning.
Week one. What I'm hoping is that my body is just getting used to working hard again. It's not that I haven't been swimming, biking or running before training started but now I have to do it with a goal in mind. Hitting speeds, heart rates and paces that didn't matter before. Every work out has a purpose. Today I have only 1 workout. Yes! Tomorrow 3.
I got a new pair of sneakers that could be making things worse. My feet feel great, but the shoes are heavy and this knee thing...... I'll go back to my old ones that hurt my feet and see if the knee issues go away. I've been running on a consistent basis for about 7 years. I still have yet to find a shoe that works. Having one wide foot, one normal, one an 8.5 one a 9 and the highest arches I have ever seen on someone could be the cause. I have actually thought about having custom shoes made. They are about $400. I would have done it by now if they didn't wear out. Having to replace those would be more painful than how my feet feel in an $129 shoe.
So I hobble around a bit today. It's only the beginning.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
What's Changing?
Well it's official, I'm back in 1/2 ironman training. Day 2 and I'm doing well, lol. Ask me in 6 weeks and hopefully I will have the same answer. My goal for this training is to just take it one day at a time. Don't worry what I have to do tomorrow or how many miles I have to go. Take each day one by one and don't get overwhelmed.
Now that I have this anxiety disorder I can get overwhelmed pretty quickly. I'm making progress but it certainly is slow going. I'm into month 6 of the new me. 6 very long months. I'm hoping that since I see a bit of improvement that it will continue and in another 6 months I'll be back to normal. I have to think positive.
I've been adding races to my 2011 calender and I think I'm just about maxed out. A race for every month with the exception of June. With the first triathlon kicking off in April I hope to be in great condition and ready to tackle what lays ahead. Which is a lot of tough training.
A lot of random thoughts have been going through my head. I want to make a lot of changes this year. Everything from updating the house to spending more quality time with the husband. Change. There's going to be a lot of it this year. I turn 40. My sister's graduate college and start new lives. One's I hope I get to spend more time in. I have a feeling I'll be wearing glasses by July. My son goes to high school in the fall. My husband starts a new job within the company. I will have my second 1/2 ironman under my belt and my 5th marathon. Yup, Dad I did it. I registered for Chicago. I want that 5th one pretty badly. It seems like a good number to stop at. So I figured I might as well do it on a course and city I know well with a chance of PRing. Plus I couldn't let you do it alone.
Changes..........I'm ready.
Now that I have this anxiety disorder I can get overwhelmed pretty quickly. I'm making progress but it certainly is slow going. I'm into month 6 of the new me. 6 very long months. I'm hoping that since I see a bit of improvement that it will continue and in another 6 months I'll be back to normal. I have to think positive.
I've been adding races to my 2011 calender and I think I'm just about maxed out. A race for every month with the exception of June. With the first triathlon kicking off in April I hope to be in great condition and ready to tackle what lays ahead. Which is a lot of tough training.
A lot of random thoughts have been going through my head. I want to make a lot of changes this year. Everything from updating the house to spending more quality time with the husband. Change. There's going to be a lot of it this year. I turn 40. My sister's graduate college and start new lives. One's I hope I get to spend more time in. I have a feeling I'll be wearing glasses by July. My son goes to high school in the fall. My husband starts a new job within the company. I will have my second 1/2 ironman under my belt and my 5th marathon. Yup, Dad I did it. I registered for Chicago. I want that 5th one pretty badly. It seems like a good number to stop at. So I figured I might as well do it on a course and city I know well with a chance of PRing. Plus I couldn't let you do it alone.
Changes..........I'm ready.
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